crazyblondemom

Never in a million years did I ever imagine I would actually be living a real life nightmare to where I had to make choices I never thought was possible for myself.I was just your average girl trying to do my best as a mother, daughter, employee, and friend.  The never-ending routine got a little tiresome, but at the end of the day it was worth it.   Many nights I would sneak into my kids’ rooms to watch them sleep and realize that no matter how many hurdles I have to go through and how many people I have let down in the past, they are the ones that truly matter to me.  No amount of money would get me to change it for anything.

That “me” was tossed out like yesterday’s news in March 2007.  I experienced one thing that I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy - rape.  I’ve always been the type of person that holds things in until I can’t hold them in anymore.  Get a small box and try to stuff as much as you can into it.  What happens?  It overflows and/or the box rips apart.  I didn’t even consider the possibility of becoming pregnant from that night.  I was too busy trying to stuff it away so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.  I wanted to move on and forget.  As I slowly started to work out my feelings with the situation, I find myself pregnant.   Talk about a major relapse.  I never thought I could hold so many feelings, some in which I’ve never felt before, inside.

I could of very easily had an abortion, but I knew I couldn’t go through with it.  Especially having experienced pregnancy and motherhood first hand.  And I know I’m not a very religious person, but this one time I prayed to God that He would make it go away.  I knew that I didn’t do anything THAT bad to where I would deserve to be punished this way. I spent the next few weeks hoping for a miscarriage as well as pinching myself, thinking it was just one horrible nightmare that I’d wake up from soon. But nothing happened, so I was left with figuring out what other options I had.

Option A: Keeping him

Option B: Placing up for adoption

I knew logically I couldn’t keep him.  I knew there’d be no way I could physically, emotionally and more importantly financially raise 3 kids by myself.   This is one of those hypothetical situations I talked about.  I had always told myself that I would abort if I were to get pregnant by a rape.  But I didn’t.  Would I of had an abortion if I didn’t have kids already?  Possibly.  I also told myself that I could never give up a part of me to complete strangers.  But I did. But all around, it was the best choice for everyone - even if I’m the one that has to suffer endlessly.

I’m not sure why or what brought this post on.  But I do know that even though its been 2 years since that night and almost 2 years since I lost a part of my heart, it still feels as if it was yesterday.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and wonder what life would be like if he was here with my kids and me.  There’s nights to where I hold onto the puppy from the hospital as tight as possible.  Its one of the only things I have left of him.  I have the memories of our time in the hospital.  But the only one that plays over in my head is the one of my kissing his forehead and saying “I love you forever” as I handed him over to his parents.

So my “I would do this if…” turned into a “I wish I didn’t have to make this choice…” It definitely made me be more appreciative of everything life has to offer and cherish every moment I have with my kids.  If it weren’t for them through this journey, the men in the white coats would of came to put me into the padded room.

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